I'm Still Here

 I'm still here.  I'm still hoping for a revamping of blogs.  I'm still doing my part.  It's just a crazy time of year, yeah?  

My kids are in the kitchen, "cleaning" it, while yelling into my phone, delighted with some app they found that takes voice recordings and plays them backwards.  They were astounded and awestruck when I spoke "EE-RAC" into the app and perfectly played back came my name.  "HOW DID YOU KNOW HOW TO SAY YOUR NAME BACKWARDS?" they demanded.  

I don't know.  Didn't all of us figure out how to say our names backwards in our youth?

I'm restless and agitated over here, trying to figure out ways to declutter my mental space and cultivate a peaceful, beautiful home.  I am clear sighted enough to know that the horrible burning heart of all the yelliness and irritation in this house is me.  That the tart tongues and need for acidic last words are genetic gifts from the mother.  And I know that I can't stand these thing about myself and I certainly don't want to see them echoed down the family line.  So I'm going to try and focus all my scattered energy on creating the beautiful, restful, generous home I long for.  

Problem is- if I knew how to do any of that, I'd probably already have done it.  I think maybe meditation comes into play somewhere?  So I googled "how to meditate catholic" and got an aggressively unhelpful article telling me that the first step to Catholic meditation is "placing ourselves in the presence of the Lord by realizing His omnipotence and our littleness".  Which sounds super Catholic and all but isn't....I don't know...super helpful?  Again, if I knew how to place myself in the presence of the Lord at will, wouldn't I do that all the time and thus have the calm homelife I yearn for?

I've tried to visualize what the household would look like when I reached the calm/peaceful/beautiful/generous goal in my mind.  I've been very specific.  I've not only imagined what it looked like, but also what it sounded like, smelled like, felt like, etc. etc.  And then I hit a brick wall.  How to move from visualizing to manifesting?  

As terrible as 2020 was, you'd think it would have knocked all the wind out of my sails and just sort of left me dejected.  But somehow, miraculously, I still have the desire to do better, to strive for holiness.  And probably that should be the thing I cling to and treasure.  At least until I hit that goal of the loveliest, most nurturing house in the neighborhood.