Held Hostage by the Eucharist

 We entered the Church in 2006, four years after the Boston Globe broke the story of the sexual abuses committed by the clergy.  By '06, the Long Lent had passed, the USCCB had published its Charter for the Protection of Children and Young People, and Virtus training* had been instituted for every member of the laity whose ministry brought them into contact with kids**.  

The fresh wave of anti-Catholic hatred that swept the country following the Globe story hadn't totally subsided by 2006 (has it ever in this country?), but it really seemed like the festering wound of predatory priests had been cut open, drained, irrigated and packed with antibiotics.  It was still painful, and there would undoubtedly be a scar left behind, but we were told the infection and rot was out.  Ken and I entered a Church that gave every indication of having brought its sins to light, corrected course, and begun the long process of penance.

Then in the summer of 2018, the McCarrick scandal broke.  It would soon be followed by the stomach-churning Philadelphia Grand Jury report.  The Long Lent, it seemed, was not only still on us, but there appeared to be a coordinated effort to drag it out as long as possible in order to hide and protect the powerful and guilty.

Five days ago, the full McCarrick report was released by the Vatican.  I have not brought myself to read the whole thing.  I've read other people's synopsis and commentary.  That's all I can handle.  The anger and betrayal that I'd avoided in 2002 but endured in '18 came back in spades (had it ever really gone?).  The gates of Hell won't prevail against the Church, Christ told us, but dear God, how much worse could it get if they did? 

My social media began to boil over with the bone deep anger and weary despair of Catholics who just couldn't take it anymore.  I saw people begin to seriously consider leaving the Church in favor of Orthodox or Episcopalian communities.  People who began to consider leaving the Church in favor of nothing at all.  There was so much disgust and anger and the dull, seething emptiness of people who had been betrayed by their religious leaders too many times.

It was in these social media outpourings that I saw the phrase that hit me like a ton of bricks- "held hostage by the Eucharist".  It was a phrase used in anger and frustration. As in: "I have lost all faith in the clergy, and probably the entire Church, but I can't leave because I'm held hostage by the Eucharist".  I felt that phrase on a deep level, and that scared me.

So I thought I'd sit with it, mull it over, and ask Jesus to help me make sense of this concept.  To set emotions aside for a bit in order to give more room for Grace.  Here's what I've come up with.  I share it with you not to convince or persuade, but only because maybe you've been feeling this too, and are also scared and disturbed.  It's not polished or eloquent, and frankly, I'm deeply uncomfortable getting so serious so quickly on Blog 2.0, but I think it's the right thing to open my heart on this topic.

• If you're feeling held hostage by the Eucharist, know you're not alone, and this isn't a new concept.  I'd argue that St. Peter himself felt this same thing.  In John 6, after people left Christ in disgust after He revealed the nature of the Eucharist, and what it meant, Jesus asked the Apostles if they were going to leave too.  Peter's words break my heart.  "Lord, to whom can we go?  You have the words of eternal life." Note carefully Peter doesn't assure Christ that he doesn't want to leave.  He tells Christ that there's simply no other place to go.  I think that omission wasn't lost on Jesus, and yet He didn't hold it against Peter.  
• I think it wounds Christ deeply that we feel like this, just like I imagine it hurt Him when Peter insinuated the same.  Free Will holds a place of primacy to God, and the notion that we feel it's been taken away because of the Eucharist must be terribly painful to Him.  But I don't think we're seen as the source of that pain or blamed for it.  I think Christ sees quite clearly that it is the actions of His priests that has brought the faithful to this terrible place, and we know what Jesus thinks of those who harm His children.

These two thoughts comforted me, but they don't heal the wounds or erase the betrayal or soothe the anger.  Particularly in a pandemic when liquor stores and dispensaries are deemed essential, but Mass disposable.  When the owners of strip clubs and bowling alleys are willing to stand up to disjointed lockdown measures but bishops separate the faithful from the Sacraments in the name of "safety".

Whatever level of social isolation you're comfortable following, it should be obvious that this current round of clergy coverup and betrayal is made all the worse because it's come at a time when we've lost the access to the Eucharist we used to have.  

Maybe it's not that the Eucharist holds us hostage so much as the Eucharist holds us.  It holds us close to the Divine, and holds us together.  And due to lockdowns and pandemic protocols, we don't feel held.  We feel like we're falling.

J.R.R. Tolkien got this.  He got the importance of frequent reception of the Eucharist AND the importance of separating it from the people around it***:

This is the great paradox at the heart of the Eucharist.  That we need to seperate ourselves from our shitty neighbors in order to want to continue going to Mass to receive the very thing that will join us closer to them.  

It's a hard teaching, and I'm having trouble bearing it.  But I'll keep slogging along, held by the Eucharist, clinging to it like the desperate, hurting disciple that I am.

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* I have very strong feelings on the VIRTUS training and how disordered it is.  I wrote about it years ago, in a very rambling, angry post here.

** And, in some dioceses, it's mandated for all members of the laity who volunteer in any capacity.  I once gave a talk in Minnesota in a diocese that required people who were offering up their time to do pro bono accounting- accounting!  in an office alone!- to do monthly VIRTUS assignments

*** don't @ me about the lady pants OR veiling comments.  Take it up with Tolkien.  Retweets are not endorsements and all that